I have to get this out of my system, and to be fair this is probably not how I should do it. I have to admit though, you're not the only person I want to read this. I want people to know how special you are, the effect you've had on my life, how much you meant to me, and continue to mean to me. However I'm sorry it is going to be public, and not posted at a good time, but I don't think there will ever really be a "good" time, and these feelings are ripping me apart so I feel have no choice but to do it right away.
I want to start by thanking you for saving me. There is a lot of other things I will thank you for later in this post, but after re-discovering an email you sent me in January 2010 yesterday, I feel as though I never gave you the recognition you deserved for turning my life around at a point where I felt hopeless, lost, unable, and ultimately self-pitying. This part in particular certainly stood out to me when I re-read it yesterday,
"What I wonder is how much of the lack of motivation and
negativity and self-pity is deliberate? Because you're getting awaywith it?
Honestly?
When we talk about you and uni and work, I'm sick of pussyfootingaround you for fear of getting you all "fml" like you were last year.The more I get to know you, the more I think it *is* quite deliberate,for *whatever* reason. And that you're probably *not* going to go allmanic depressive from being told stuff straight up, because really,you're already well aware of it, it's just no one's saying it."
When I originally read this, I probably did not want to hear this, and disregarded it. Looking back, I think your perception was spot-on, and perhaps still is? Eternally to your credit, you helped me through this at the time. We got a place together despite that I couldn't really afford to contribute, you gave me a chance to have a life. Being able to be there for each other full-time infinitely improved my happiness. At this time, you introduced a cat into our lives, that over the next 4 or 5 years would provide endless amounts of love, and fulfillment, and a few minor annoyances!
The first real life lesson I learnt about love came from when we were living with a friend of mine. You were unhappy, missed it just being us, and fair enough too. I was torn between trying to be a good friend, and a good boyfriend. Through some sage advice, I was told, "if you love her, there's no choice, love always comes first." That has stayed with me until this day. I made the right choice, I'm sorry it took so long for me to realise it, but we live and learn. I can appreciate there is a great deal of irony in this paragraph, considering future events, but please bear with me.
What came next is probably something we would both rather forget, but it was an infinitely valuable experience for me. When you got depressed, and spent most of a month if not more at your parents, I faced a lot of long days, and even longer lonely nights. Before this I didn't really comprehend mental illness, or depression. It always seemed like an excuse to me before this. Through a lot of love, and help from your mum, I think I began to understand, and stuck with it, praying things would get better. I am so glad they did, and so proud of you for making the decisions you made and getting through it for both of our sake. Since I have been facing similar struggles for the last 6 months I can't begin to thank you enough for what you taught me through that time. It will always be important to me.
You have taught me so much. You have challenged me to be better. You have shown me that dreams are achievable. You have shown me love, real love. I can't ever thank you enough for these, and my actions certainly have not expressed my gratitude in the slightest.
On that note, I apologise in advance that this paragraph will most likely sound quite self-indulgent and does not have a foot to stand on, so to speak. I've had to un-follow you on Twitter, and un-friend you on Facebook. I'm aware this seems quite immature, but over the last few days especially I felt like I had no choice. It has been been so hard for me to see you this happy. That is possibly the most selfish sentence I have ever written. Of course I do want you to be happy, I really really do, it is just so hard to see it especially when it feels like over almost 5 years I couldn't even get close to making you this happy. This is my problem of course, and ultimately I am the one who put myself in this position (hence the no foot to stand on comment earlier). It has caused me to spiral downwards this week, I feel as though if anything I have held you back from this happiness and prevented you from enjoying life as much as possible. I hope to god this isn't the case.
I wanted to hear all about it when you get back, but now I'm not sure I can even look you in the eyes without hating myself, god knows the mirror is already a painful enough experience. I wanted to one day be friends again, and perhaps I still do, I just can't imagine it. I'm so intimidated by you now. I'm beginning to forget what you're really like, I feel like I only know the you you want people to know. You're the only person I've ever really opened up to, the only person who knows everything about me. The reality of my choice is becoming apparent.
I would like to apologise, not for the choice I made, if I was feeling those things, and did not picture "us" in 5 years, it would have been extremely unfair to hold you back from the life you deserve. What I do want to apologise for is not being the man I could have been, not being the man you thought I could be, and not becoming the man you thought I was capable of being. The realisation I have chosen not to have you in my life is a painful one, but hopefully one time will heal. I hope one day I will love like this again. It will always be special to me that for a short time I found love. If I don't find it again, that time will forever be enough for me.
Finally, as hard as it is for me to say this, I sincerely hope you find love again. I hope he makes you smile, I hope he makes you laugh, I hope he makes your dreams come true, I hope he pushes you to keep following your dreams, I hope he takes care of you when you're unwell, I hope you one day want a family with him.
Thank you.
